When you’re reading you get to make up a movie in your head, cast whoever you want, you don’t have to pay up the ass for concessions, like it’s a dream come true! I am a dedicated reader. I find so much fricking joy from reading that it has become a top habit for me, right next to swiping a Cabernet Sauvignon right off the shelf the second I walk into any grocery store. But I can’t make people read. No matter how hard I try and how many books I’ve given out as gifts, people just don’t wanna read! Wake up world, reading is cool. So I’m bringing in some of my top recommendations for books in the hopes that it’ll bring a twinkle of magic to your book-less life and have you saying “I needs to get me a book".

Wild Game: My Mother, Her Lover, and Me 

by Adrienne Brodeur 

The Rules Do Not Apply 

by Ariel Levy

Americanah 

by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The Woman Destroyed 

by Simone De Beauvoir

The In-Betweens: The Spiritualists, Mediums, and Legends 

of Camp Etna 

by Mira Ptacin 

Yeah okay, this book may sound super weird and ‘wooh-wooh witchy’ but it’s crazy interesting to learn about a religion that believes in ghosts but refers to them as spirits. I love me some horror movies, true crime, and Halloween, and even though this has absolutely nothing to do with that, I loved learning about how different spiritualists view the world and what they do to keep their faith alive. Mira is a journalist who conducts several interviews with members of Camp Etna (a center for a spiritualist retreat), she uncovers the reality of ghost hunting, takes a dabble in water witching, and learns the history of mediums and psychics. If you’re like me and you like to talk crap about Zach Baggins and wonder why people choose to watch the Long Island Medium, get you this book. 

Well there you have it, enough books to enforce that truly magical book love.

Just don't forget to thank me when you're maxing out your card at the nearest bookstore.

Bye Humans & Happy Reading.

Zodiac Signs Based on 

The Ultimate Christmas Present 

Okay People.......It's Christmastime.

Listen, you knew this was coming. Joey is the most annoying character in this movie, even more than the actual villain, and that's because he thinks he knows what's best for everyone *without their consent* and is willing to sabotage the joy of Christmas to get what he wants. Yes, dark dark times for young Joey, but I think what really stands out is if the movie was written differently. If Ally had just told Joey about the weather machine, he would've jumped into action and most likely saved the day, or at least distracted his mom or some shit. But Joey was so passionate about Christmas (and the fact that he only wanted it so that he could get presents) that he would have done anything to help the girls out. This guy is a true leader and honestly would have saved us from a ton of really crappy scenes.

Michelle, which I honestly didn't know her name until I looked it up on Imdb, just wants her home life to go as smoothly as possible. She's gonna work, she's gonna clean, she's gonna deal with all of the assholes in her family because she is a loyal gal. Can she be pretty stubborn? Yeah, but that's mostly because the snowstorm is threatening her beautiful routine and her fucking job. How the hell is she supposed to make a living if she can't even leave her house and take her eyes off of Joey for two seconds? Everyone just needs to give Michelle a break so she can focus on not having a mental breakdown. BUT, Michelle has a taste for that HIGH life. You know she desperately wanted her husband to come home so she could get another charm for her bracelet. 

(literally the only image I could find of him..)

Do I even really need to explain this? Ruben is all talk, all gossip. We love to see scenes with Ruben because he is so expressive and all up in everybody's business. Like you can literally see him CREEPING around the corner and listening every single time Michelle is on the phone; which is 99.99% of his scenes overall. There's really no information given about anything having to do with Ruben, and I wanna know what he's doing for Christmas?...Does he have a puppy?...Where's he going for brunch?...Can I come too?...

Now, now, now....I am a fellow Cancer and many of you may think that Cancers are made up of feelings, and sharing, and everyone caring (I'm so talented), but we Cancers are more spice than nice (someone please stop me). Crumpet is grumpy. No he's definitely more than grumpy, he is moody and he lets his emotions just take over everything he does. Yeah he stands up for what's right and, at the end of the day, he cares about saving Christmas for everyone. Does it mean he's gonna dog on Sparky the whole movie so he can stop getting in the way? Yes. Does it mean he's going to put a stank face on for the entire trip because one thing pissed him off? Hell yeah. Does it mean he's probably going to go home and binge watch The Vampire Diaries for the 26th time once this mission is dunzo? Yep. Crumpet just wants Christmas to be the best that it can be for the world...

he just loves to be in a bad mood more.

Oh Sam. Sam is such a true friend, and we can all see that. She will always have Ally's back even when she's getting shit on all of the time. Sam deserved so much better in this movie, she deserved a bomb ass friend at the end, but something tells me that Ally's just going to go back to being a bad friend and Sam will just accept it. But just because Sam's a good friend, doesn't mean that she'll be so willing to do whatever she's told. Sam's going to analyze everything, she's going to weigh her options, and she's finally going to make a decision based off of her infamous 'fear of the unknown'. We all love Sam because she's the brains of the mission, but she isn't flaunting her brilliance to be the center of attention. She just wants to do the right thing and fix the holiday that her bff ripped to shreds. So let's give it up for the one person that would've stopped the entire movie from happening in the first place, if only it weren't for friendship. 

You may be wondering why Mrs. Claus got on this list because she was barely in the movie, but Mrs. Claus wasn't in the movie because she was too busy running the fucking North Pole while Santa was off building an unnecessary machine. Mrs. Clause is the one that told Santa to calm his shit, AND gathered the two elves to help him, AND held down the toy making so Christmas was even possible. She really put herself aside to make sure that everyone was happy and there was no drama. But isn't she doing a bit much for Santa? Is she really that dependent on Santa that she can't just let him fuck up and be blamed for everything? Christmas is not about Mrs. Claus and it never will be, so why is she wasting her untapped potential to stay in a relationship with someone that only cares about himself and the children of the world? Save your life and move on girl!

Yeah I said it and I'm proud to say it again. Santa Claus is a classic Scorpio. He is literally the most focused, intense, and passionate creature about making Christmas happen and Santa doesn't give a fuck if people are trying to get in the way of that, because he's the Top Dog and he's here to scheme his way to victory. I don't think a lot of people realize how emotional Santa really is. He lashes out in a really harsh way when he's upset and demands everyone help him with creating his own happiness. And isn't it kind of creepy how devoted he is to his job of stalking children? But the most important takeaway from this is that Santa wants all of the power in his hands and can manipulate even the kindest of hearts (looking at you Sam) to be minions in his plan. And again...he literally knows EVERYTHING about you! And I've got to credit that to his extreme investigative skills. 

He sees you when you're sleeping......

You may be wondering, who the hell is Steve and where's he at? But remember, Steve is stuck in San Francisco during the snowstorm because he decided to WORK, literally right before Christmas. All we really know about Steve is that he's a website designer....and he just works. Steve will do anything to climb the corporate ladder so he travels anywhere and obsesses over being as successful as possible; I mean he didn't even phone home often to be mentally there for his family when he was stuck in the airport with absolutely nothing to do. My guesses are that he was most likely thinking about all of the ways he could be more productive with his home life by putting more energy into his work. Ally's rollerblades ain't gonna pay for themselves, amiright?

Oh please, you already been knew about this. Sparky is in his own realm. He don't give a fuck about whether or not he's considered "normal", and if you think about it, Sparky is basically inspiring people to be their true selves in a world that is constantly seeking to normalize structured behavior (another time for that). But Sparky is so stuck in being himself, that he has absolutely no ability to be helpful in this entire movie. Be practical for a change! Just because you're an individual doesn't mean that you can join a TEAM and not be expected to do your fair share of the mission. Sparky is a Christmas elf in its truest form because he simply draws attention and makes everyone question if it's possible to be so full of creativity, optimism, and friendship. But trust me... it gets old real quick. My favorite part of the movie is when Sparky goes home because I have no ability to tolerate eccentricity for an hour and a half. 

Pisces - Jake

We've finally reached the end and the last person on our list is the forgettable lil' fellow, Jake. If you can recall, Jake is the hottest guy at Graham Middle School (hot enough to make the girls forget their homework assignments), and Jake is throwing an extravagant Christmas party for all of the kids in his class. I really like Jake, even though every year I watch this movie he gets uglier and uglier because apparently our pre-teen eyes were some kind of unattractive diminishers, but Jake is a nice guy! He invited everyone to his party and he was kind enough to have a little chat with Ally after she embarrassed herself in front of her class.  He knows he's a good friend and he knows he's super popular, but that shit doesn't phase Jake because that's just who he is. But....the snowstorm cancelled Jake's party. I can only imagine the existential crisis our boy Jake is going through. Is he not going to matter anymore because the biggest shin-dig has been tossed aside by the realization that Christmas is about being with your family and not the hottest guy in school?! 

Someone please check on Jake.