Zodiac Signs Based on The Ultimate Christmas Present
Zodiac Signs Based on
The Ultimate Christmas Present
Okay People.......It's Christmastime.
YES, you heard that right. It's Mother. Fucking. Christmas....and what a time it is! So grab that Christmas Spirit, light it up, and inhale that shit because if anything is going to salvage the remainder of this dookie year, it's Christmas...
The OG of Goodness, The Provider of Sales, and The Creator of Expectations.
I just love it.
But I'm not just here to express my love for this holiday, because a girl can get down with Christmas all day, but I've decided to discuss two distinct things that have not only defined me as a person, but have created the strong and talented woman you all see before you...or hear? read? imagine before you? IDK. We're talking about
The Ultimate Christmas Present and Astrology!
Like how has nobody done this before?!
Whatevs, gives me the opportunity to give you the REAL lowdown on your zodiac signs, with a dash of Christmas!
BITCH!
Disclaimer: I'm not an actual Astrologer, I just do what I want. Remember, it's supposed to be all fun and games so any negative opinions about my analysis can be hand-written and shipped to my P.O. Box at the North Pole.
Aries - Joey
Taurus - Michelle (The Mom, Obvi)
The Shade.
Yeah, she's about getting that work life, but you know homegirl is only doing it for a new Fendi.
Gemini - Ruben
(literally the only image I could find of him..)
But the reality is that we don't know anything about Ruben because HE never lets us know anything about him. He's so wound up in knowing everything and being the 'funny one' that he just comes off as shallow. Open up Ruben!
Cancer - Crumpet
Now, now, now....I am a fellow Cancer and many of you may think that Cancers are made up of feelings, and sharing, and everyone caring (I'm so talented), but we Cancers are more spice than nice (someone please stop me). Crumpet is grumpy. No he's definitely more than grumpy, he is moody and he lets his emotions just take over everything he does. Yeah he stands up for what's right and, at the end of the day, he cares about saving Christmas for everyone. Does it mean he's gonna dog on Sparky the whole movie so he can stop getting in the way? Yes. Does it mean he's going to put a stank face on for the entire trip because one thing pissed him off? Hell yeah. Does it mean he's probably going to go home and binge watch The Vampire Diaries for the 26th time once this mission is dunzo? Yep. Crumpet just wants Christmas to be the best that it can be for the world...
he just loves to be in a bad mood more.
Leo - Edwin
This Bitch. Obviously the villain thinks he's the shit. I mean has there ever been a villain that wasn't a Leo?
*Leave a comment for further discussion*
But anyway...Edwin loves himself, and we definitely don't discriminate against those that have love for themselves, but Edwin's self love was worth taking over the world. Now what kind of person does that? Maybe someone who thinks they can do no wrong? Edwin thinks that his idea for the weather machine is necessary to make him the most powerful person on Earth, and not even Santa can clearly talk some sense into him. But what is Edwin to do? He thinks everyone is generally interested in him but he doesn't realize that if he stopped thinking about himself for one second and actually paid attention to the people around him, then he'd make some decent friends that would care enough to take an interest in his weather bullshit. Case in point: he had to move all the way to Antartica to have a good life; a place where no one has anything better to do than to listen to someone talk about themselves. Edwin has truly found his people.
Virgo - Sam
Oh Sam. Sam is such a true friend, and we can all see that. She will always have Ally's back even when she's getting shit on all of the time. Sam deserved so much better in this movie, she deserved a bomb ass friend at the end, but something tells me that Ally's just going to go back to being a bad friend and Sam will just accept it. But just because Sam's a good friend, doesn't mean that she'll be so willing to do whatever she's told. Sam's going to analyze everything, she's going to weigh her options, and she's finally going to make a decision based off of her infamous 'fear of the unknown'. We all love Sam because she's the brains of the mission, but she isn't flaunting her brilliance to be the center of attention. She just wants to do the right thing and fix the holiday that her bff ripped to shreds. So let's give it up for the one person that would've stopped the entire movie from happening in the first place, if only it weren't for friendship.
Libra - Mrs. Claus
You may be wondering why Mrs. Claus got on this list because she was barely in the movie, but Mrs. Claus wasn't in the movie because she was too busy running the fucking North Pole while Santa was off building an unnecessary machine. Mrs. Clause is the one that told Santa to calm his shit, AND gathered the two elves to help him, AND held down the toy making so Christmas was even possible. She really put herself aside to make sure that everyone was happy and there was no drama. But isn't she doing a bit much for Santa? Is she really that dependent on Santa that she can't just let him fuck up and be blamed for everything? Christmas is not about Mrs. Claus and it never will be, so why is she wasting her untapped potential to stay in a relationship with someone that only cares about himself and the children of the world? Save your life and move on girl!
Scorpio - Santa Claus
Yeah I said it and I'm proud to say it again. Santa Claus is a classic Scorpio. He is literally the most focused, intense, and passionate creature about making Christmas happen and Santa doesn't give a fuck if people are trying to get in the way of that, because he's the Top Dog and he's here to scheme his way to victory. I don't think a lot of people realize how emotional Santa really is. He lashes out in a really harsh way when he's upset and demands everyone help him with creating his own happiness. And isn't it kind of creepy how devoted he is to his job of stalking children? But the most important takeaway from this is that Santa wants all of the power in his hands and can manipulate even the kindest of hearts (looking at you Sam) to be minions in his plan. And again...he literally knows EVERYTHING about you! And I've got to credit that to his extreme investigative skills.
He sees you when you're sleeping......
Sagittarius - Ally
Ally is ambitious but lazy, brave but distracted, and outgoing but rude...
what we got ourselves here is a Sagittarius!
Ally just can't get it right. She's super over school because it's clearly not as important as going to Blake's party, she doesn't want to be a good friend because she cares more about rollerblades than people, and she wants a life that takes her to a place with snow so she can literally sit inside all day. Yeah she takes risks and can tell it to her parents straight when they're too obsessed with their jobs to pause for two seconds and interact with their kids, but she can't admit that she can be pretty damn selfish too. The one great thing to remember here is that we needed the main character to be a Sagittarius! No one would've been curious enough like Ally to spy on the crazed man in the woods and steal his mysterious machine. So thank you Sagittarians for being the first ones to jump into situations that could potentially lead to severe danger, unless you're in a Disney movie.
Capricorn - Steve (Dad)
Aquarius - Sparky
Oh please, you already been knew about this. Sparky is in his own realm. He don't give a fuck about whether or not he's considered "normal", and if you think about it, Sparky is basically inspiring people to be their true selves in a world that is constantly seeking to normalize structured behavior (another time for that). But Sparky is so stuck in being himself, that he has absolutely no ability to be helpful in this entire movie. Be practical for a change! Just because you're an individual doesn't mean that you can join a TEAM and not be expected to do your fair share of the mission. Sparky is a Christmas elf in its truest form because he simply draws attention and makes everyone question if it's possible to be so full of creativity, optimism, and friendship. But trust me... it gets old real quick. My favorite part of the movie is when Sparky goes home because I have no ability to tolerate eccentricity for an hour and a half.
Pisces - Jake
Someone please check on Jake.
Well there you have it.
Twelve wonderfully coordinated signs that all fit into this masterpiece of a movie.
Don't forget to snuggle up with what loved-ones you've got, and please try not to ransack through any mysterious man's garbage can this holiday.
Merry Christmas Humans and Happy Holidays
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